Airplane Etiquette

I'm certain volumes have been written on this subject. Unfortunately, I keep flying with folks who haven't read a word of it. And come to think about it neither have I. But because I know I practice a high level of etiquette this certainly makes me think one shouldn't have to be instructed on appropriate etiquette. It should be something that's taught as one grows up.

During my flight this week, my neighbor in the exit row seated in 20A and I discussed this very issue. It started off simple enough, talking about how some passenger had clogged the isle with his carry-on bag, personal item (another bag), and coat. He had to stop and put each away but stopping first to pull a book or maybe laptop from his bag and then take off his coat and try to fold it and place it in the overhead on top of his bag. It took several minutes and is just plain rude to the other passengers who are piled up behind him.

After shaking our heads and collectively saying "typical" our conversation turned to all the other things that annoy us amongst our fellow passengers. We outlined a laundry list and I'll attempt to recreate it here. I'm all about lists. They keep things nice and neat.

1. Being prepared when you walk onto the plane. Lack of preparation leaves you floundering around like the toad I saw this week trying to get your stuff put away and hoping you remember to get out the noise-canceling headsets, iPod and/or your book. Take those things out of your bag before you board and keep them handy or put them in the bag you intend to place under the seat. Then have an idea where you intend to stuff all your things before you get on the plane.

2. Know ahead of time what size plane you're boarding. If your big bag won't fit in the overhead, please don't force it! On my return flight this week some newbie (or idiot?) forced the door closed and that causes the door slide to come out. Even if it latches the flight attendant will spot the door slightly ajar and get the captain. The captain will call maintenance and guess what? Ten to thirty minutes are lost - thanks to you! If you need to valet or gate check your bag then PLEASE do so. Even if you don't screw up the overhead door you'll still slow things down as you trod back off the plane to check your bag because it's too big to fit in the overhead or under the seat.

3. If the seats have arm rests that raise and lower, keep them down. I certainly don't want your leg (inevitably sweaty) contacting mine for hours. Don't get mad when your neighbor lowers the arm rest you raised. Just live with it. Down.

4. Use deodorant. I don't like your earthy, musky natural scent and I'm guessing most others don't either. And don't use copious amounts of perfume or cologne. It's just as bad. Stinky who? Stinky you!

5. Don't grab the seat back in front of you to assist you in standing if someone is in that seat. Did you like it when your mother grabbed you and shook you as a child? Neither does the person seated in front of you.

6. To go along with 5 above, don't touch each seat or each shoulder (worse!) as you walk down the aisle. Have you noticed the flight attendant will place their hands on the overhead doors if they need steadying as they walk down the aisle. Take their lead. Do the same. I don't want you grabbing me.

7. If you recline your seat, please turn around first to see if the person behind you is leaned over asleep on the tray table or using a laptop. Some people will also lower just a tad to give the person back there a head's up that more reclining could be coming. This is better than nothing but when fully reclined realize I'm looking at the top of your head. Yeah, it goes back that far. So if you smash my knees or knock over my laptop because you slammed your seat back abruptly I'm sure you won't mind if I sneeze or cough on your head. Beware.

8. Elbow space. I'm a big guy with wide shoulders and on these sardine tubes dressed up as regional jets there's already not much space. Something like 17-18" of seat width. Even the 170lb average Joe's with size 40 coats will rub elbows. This can't be helped as the designers weren't interested in comfort - but rather maximum capacity. So elbow touching is tolerated but realize the other person might want some armrest room so maybe you should share. Like when you were a child. Share.

9. Exiting the plane. When the little DING noise occurs and the fasten seat belt light goes out, don't jump up and move ahead a few rows. Do you know how rude that is? I'll trip people like you given the chance. My big foot will enter the aisle and cause you to stumble. You'd then be trampled and that wouldn't feel good. Just stay in the aisle next to your seat. Don't move forward in an attempt to get off the plane 3-4 people sooner.

10. Children. I know they have to fly. I'm not going to suggest they be banned from commercial flight. But for the love of Mike, can you contain them? Can you prevent them from using their LOUD voice with the never-ending questions? Can you make them keep their seat belts on and not jump into the aisle prompting the ever-alert flight attendant from coming and having a little chat with you? Or from standing in the seat and leering over the back of the seat at the poor soul behind you who is reaching for his wallet to see if he has enough cash to buy several of those small alcoholic beverage bottles so that he can induce sleep? Or from leaning the other way and peering onto the balding scalp of the middle aged business man in the seat in front? Perhaps letting some drool or some gum fall into his thinning hair? Just exercise some control over them for the rest of the plane? Can you do that? If you realize you can't, just dose them with some Benadryl about 15 minutes before boarding. That's a joke. Not really.

11. This should have been at the top but I forgot about it: Board when your group is called. Even board later but never board earlier than you are allowed. I see it all the time on the boarding pass of the person in front of me as the gate person scans the boarding pass. It'll say group two when the gate person called for . Some yahoo decides he needs a little extra time. Really he just wants to be first. He's usually seated near the front, too, and probably an aisle seat so he has to get up to let in his neighbors and his shoulder sticks out in the aisle like an obstacle you have to avoid. What a dope. He probably tries to get up and run forward an aisle or two when the plane starts to depart. Someday maybe I'll get to trip him.

Really etiquette on an airplane is no different than etiquette elsewhere. The offenders are the same people who cut you off in traffic, drive around school buses, cut in line, don't pay their taxes, don't mow their lawns, expect the Government to take care of them, and want something for nothing. That sums it up. Thanks for listening.